The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself causeth shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:15.
The age is changing rapidly and world conditions today are giving birth to a great deal of rebellion and revolution in the hearts of young people. Although we can’t change the whole world, we can make an effort to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord and do something constructive in our own homes.
According to the Scriptures discipline is different than punishment. Our text tells us, “a rod and reproof give wisdom”; but I’ve seen the rod used when it only produced resentment and rebellion. The Scripture “Whatsoever is not of faith is sin” (Romans 14:23b), applies also in the discipline of children. If you’re showing your wrath and taking revenge on your child, don’t be surprised if he learns that from you and returns that same spirit. You cannot be abusive and just punish a child.
In fact, I don’t even like the term “punishment.” The heavenly Father chastens us that we can be partakers of His holiness. A wise parent ministers discipline so that the child learns to discipline himself. If an individual is taught obedience to the point of doing everything the parent tells him to do, he develops no initiative. He may grow up to be a very fine law-abiding, moral citizen, and never deviate from that pattern of strict obedience. Unfortunately, however, the initiative and the spirit will be lacking in his life, for the heart has been taken out of him. He’ll be good—but good for nothing.
Rather than trying to stifle children, seek to develop their fullest potential. Don’t coerce them into a blind obedience. We’d like to see our children come forth attempting things that we didn’t attempt, becoming what we couldn’t or didn’t become. Everyone has regrets, but the one compensating factor is the parents are only human, too. Their needs and their problems are usually greater than those of the young people.
Parents can find a way in God to be the mother or father they were meant to be. Most have had a sense of failure during many periods of life in which they faced their inadequacies as parents. To be an honest Christian is to be aware of these lacks, and the one thing that makes up for them is faith.
“A child left to himself causes shame to his mother.” I know of cases in which a child received a lot of spankings but still was left to himself; and when he couldn’t find a way, he was spanked for it. There can be something better than that. A child can’t be left to himself; he needs love.
How shall we discipline our children? When a child is disobedient, minister to that child and pray with him. Tell him that he was disobedient and that you’re going to help him. Turn him over your knee and between whacks minister constructively. Say, “I love you, son. I bless you. You’re going to serve God! You’re going to be a prophet! Is that right, son? Say ‘Amen’!” This is a good method of spanking, because it’s a positive emphasis. When you’re finished, sit down and have a period of prayer and singing together and read some promises. Try to open his heart to believe for something positive in his life; for the change and the development he needs.
If you punish a child and put him in a corner because he’s done wrong, and tell him, “You’re bad; you’re no good; you’re getting slapped because you’re stupid,” what good does that do? If you succeed, you’ve convinced him of it. If he rebels against it, he has rebellion to contend with, yet he might be able to survive if he rebels against it enough. Have faith for him. Love him and believe for him.
Constantly be looking for every good thing he does and make constructive comments to let him know you have observed it and that it is good. Be as quick to say thank you to the child as you are to insist upon his being grateful and saying thank you for that which is done for him. As soon as he can understand, teach him to be appreciative; not to demand or expect anything from anyone, but to show a sense of thanksgiving to God and to everyone who ministers to him or helps him. Build the positive traits, and don’t only discipline for wrong doing.
Proverbs 1:8 tells us, “Forsake not the instruction of your father and obey the law of your mother.” It doesn’t say “the law of the father” but it speaks about “the law of the mother.” A wise mother can be supported by the father. The instruction she gives can be fortified by the authority and headship of the father. Her instructions then become the law. Nothing is more detrimental to a home than for a father to give sympathy to the children who have been spanked in his absence. He should never undermine the authority of the mother in that way. That is not only unwise use of authority; it’s anarchy in the one who should be concerned with order in the home. He’s guilty of creating anarchy and tearing the home apart.
It’s wrong too, for the mother to wait until Daddy gets home and then say, “Junior was naughty. You spank him; you correct him.” She should spank him, then pray with him and minister to him; and when Dad gets home talk about it and let him fortify and reinforce the whole procedure. However, when he’s home, the father should never pass on the discipline of the child to the mother. He should immediately take steps to correct any offense that occurs when he’s present.
There should be a way of preparing people to be good mothers and good fathers. The measure of a person’s manhood or womanhood does not always coincide with the commonly accepted standards. Hannah was barren. Peninnah had many children, but as far as we know none of them amounted to very much. Just because a woman is fertile doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s a good mother. The quality of the children is much more significant than the quantity. Some women can bring forth a baby very easily, but of greater consequence than bringing forth that child is the mother’s state of heart and what she does with the child.
Hannah gave birth to little Samuel who became one of the greatest prophets of the Old Testament. She said, “For this child I prayed and I’ll lend him to the Lord as long as he lives” (I Samuel 1:27, 28). Thus she relinquished her rights to him in order that he could become what God wanted him to be.
A mother and father must have real compassion of heart. With understanding they must stand before the face of the Lord, not with a sense of frustration, but with faith to believe for a human being that they are responsible for in this life. In spite of our many bungling errors isn’t it surprising how well the children turn out in this walk? Parents know how many mistakes they’ve made and yet these young folks come up strong, doing the will of the Lord.
A child learns about the heavenly Father from his own father; he learns about the moving of the Holy Spirit from his own mother, as they are constantly ministering to him and teaching him of spiritual things. He also learns, sooner or later, that his father and mother are not all-sufficient. It’s at that time that a parent loses face. Mark Twain expressed the sentiment that many of us may have felt in varying degrees some time in our life, when he said, “When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around; but when I got to be twenty-one I was astonished to see how much he had learned in seven years.” Such a reaction is normal for children when the great hero image they have of their parents gives way and they see them as human and not completely self-sufficient. Then disillusionment sets in, which can be almost total in the life of a young person, unless at the moment he sees his parents’ frailties he sees also their utter dependence upon God for help. When you look upon a individual’s shortcomings, but find him trusting in God, don’t abandon him.
To be a good parent you don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to be a man or woman of faith. Your children must see in you the prayers, the faithfulness, the looking unto God and believing that in the Lord we find the answer, that in Him we’re complete and sufficient; what we lack, He supplies; what is not right in our spirits He corrects.
I don’t think a parent should try to be all-wise, having all the answers. After a child has reached a certain age nothing would encourage him more than hearing his parent say, “You’ve raised a good problem. Let’s pray about it and look to the Lord for an answer.” The child does not turn away from his parent because he doesn’t have an answer or because the answer is wrong, but he realizes that the parent has looked to the Lord for an answer, and God has given it.
The mothers in this walk are militant fighters, every one of them. Wives and mothers rise to heights I’ve never seen before. They want to do the right thing. We’re going to teach each child the way that he should go. The instruction of his father and the law of his mother will help him obey the only commandment in the Bible with promise: Honor thy father and thy mother. Exodus 20:12. The other commandments include a “thou shalt” or “thou shalt not,” and disobeying will result in punishment. But this one has an assurance of blessing and long life.
In our mutual submission the families in jeopardy find protection. When the child honors his father and mother and is submissive, there is an aura of protection about him; he has angel protection. When a child is rebellious (and that’s the first sin into which Satan tries to lead a child), immediately all the protective element is gone because the angels cannot protect a rebellious spirit. They flee from it as they fled at the time Satan drew a third of the angels from heaven in the great rebellion.
Sometimes a wife is rebellious. Maybe her husband isn’t the impressive glamour idol she would like him to be; however, just as the measure of a woman is not her fertility or the beauty of her face and figure, but the compassion of her heart, likewise a man’s true worth is not measured by his sexuality or his aggressiveness as a male. Far greater qualities than that are required to make a man, such as courage and faith, and love that goes deeper than the ability to sweet-talk a woman—the kind of love that lives only for the relationship of the family.
You don’t have to be invincible. You just have to operate in faith. Parenthood doesn’t involve wrath or vindictiveness, or a sense of insecurity that compensates by becoming arrogant to a point of domination. A true spiritual parent is a person of faith, believing for his children.