Isn’t everyone looking for the answers to his problems? Sometimes a problem is best solved, not by looking at the problem itself and its effects, but by looking at the changes that need to be wrought first in us. If an individual with a very strong spirit is married to someone who is extremely sensitive, they both find that they are somewhat incompatible and that they tend to create the wrong reactions in each other. Yet they may love each other. Before they even seek counseling concerning their personal problems and try to solve them, each one of them should earnestly seek to do the will of God. They should set forth on a twofold course of action which could become the solution to everything they face in their lives together. Let them really seek God and make a commitment to put the Kingdom of God first, and then also make the necessary commitment to each other.
This is not easy to do. Each partner tends to say that if the other person would act differently, then they could walk together. But that, of course, is a kind of barter system, which only leads to a very low grade of tolerance to each other, and nothing more. They must do more than just try to be compatible and adjusted to each other. They must be totally dedicated to live together, to walk together in His perfect will. Each one will change and also effect change in the other person, helping him in his desire to change so that they can flow together. But instead of worrying about the fantastic changes that have to be made in the many years ahead, they should meet each situation as it comes, day by day, and prepare for it. They must have this commitment to walk together; otherwise they will not be able to face those years together.
When a married couple find that their reflexes are slowed down and their perception is just a little short of what is needed in a crisis, it is usually because of something under the surface that is subconsciously working on them. The fact that their relationship together is not all it should be creates frustration. That can all be solved when he is totally committed to have her live and walk with God with him, and he also declares to her, “I totally commit myself to live with you and to walk with God with you.” She says the same thing to him that he says. This is the total commitment, regardless of the problem. No problem will be big enough to influence their decision to walk together. No longer can they think in terms of an “out,” an escape route, or some other way to work out the problem, nor can they give the excuse, “We don’t know what we are going to do now!” They do know! They are to make that commitment to live together and to love each other.
That decision in itself will lessen the pressure. When problems loom up, neither one will wonder, “Is this big enough to make me leave?” No longer will the unconscious will to fail emerge, causing either one to continually look for some occasion that is great enough to make him accept failure. They refuse to accept any failure in their relationship because they know that God brought them together and that they have a marriage in His sight. Then it becomes a matter of faith, of determination, of consecration: “We are going to love each other and walk together. We will be to each other exactly everything we need to be.”
Of course, that dedication immediately opens the door to change. It may also open the door to arguments, as they begin to “wash the dirty linens” instead of hiding them under the bed. When they look at their grievances, then each one will find out what is annoying and bothering the other. Yet this exposure must not cause either partner to feel unloved. Instead, each one will sense the determination of the other to be a perfect mate, to love and care for the other, intending never to swerve from that committed path. No problem will ever be great enough to cause them to turn from each other once they make that total commitment—first to God, to really walk with Him, and then to each other. If they do not have the one commitment, they cannot have the other. Both go together. Once they make this commitment, they may raise one question after another; but they will always say, “These problems are not great enough to turn me away from my dedication to my wife (to my husband).” That is love.
Remember that it was said of the Lord, “Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them unto the end” (John 13:1). What a blessing it must have been for the disciples to know that no matter what they did, He was committed to love them. That love never failed.
Before an athlete competes in an athletic event, whether it be boxing or football or whatever his area of competition happens to be, he may be so keyed up in one sense that the “butterflies” in his stomach almost make him ill. He must be loose and relaxed, but ready to tense up in a split second to be the winner. Then he will put forth his best effort. This illustrates exactly what we must feel. Our rest in God should be so great that His peace keeps our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7), but at the moment of application, we are able to put forth in faith our best effort.
This is also required in the marriage relationship. A husband and wife must see that they are teammates together. They must pull together as one. There can be no other consideration in their mind. If a couple did not make this total commitment to each other when they were married, they should voice it now: “I commit myself totally, with everything within me, to walk with you, to be one with you.” When each says this to the other, it is more than a matter of each giving one’s self. In that total commitment, each one also opens up his life for the other to be a part of it. They do not exclude each other from anything.
This procedure involves a sequence of various steps. First of all, they determine to love each other and avoid having any walls toward each other. They wall off the irritations or the problems and the difficulties; yet one by one, they walk around those problems for seven days, and bring them down. One by one, each will help the other find a solution to the things that annoy him. It is not that we expect them ever to agree totally with each other. They have one basic difference that is two strikes against them to start with—the fact that they are of opposite sexes. Each one’s ways of thinking, reactions to things, sources of security, and areas of aggressiveness are completely beyond the understanding of the other person. For example, a man can never really know the nesting instinct of a woman, her need for a home. She needs a nest; she needs security.
Every husband and wife should make this passage their dedication to each other: “Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Where you die, that is where I will die” (Ruth 1:16–17). No matter what happens, they will stick together. They have to recognize the fact that there are things about each of them that the other will not understand; therefore, they should not try to work out every detail as though they were looking at it under a microscope. Nevertheless, each one should do his best to see himself in the position that the other sees him and strive to flow together. Both must want to see their two lives flowing together beautifully, in spite of the fact that one is a little different from the other. If there seems to be quite a bit of difference in their reactions and responses, they can wall them off for the present. At the same time they are committed to walk together with no walls between them. Then the other problems will tend to straighten themselves out. In fact, that will probably solve fifty percent of their problems. The problems have a tendency to loom up very large until there is a dedication greater than the problems.
What happens when a young girl gets married? Suppose she was raised in a comfortable home where her parents provided for all her needs: clothes, car, school and college expenses. She has experienced little or no difficulty at all. Then suddenly she falls in love and gets married, with the romantic idea that there will be no problems to face. Actually, her problems are only beginning. When she lived in her parents’ home, Dad made the car payments and gave her an allowance. Mother probably took care of her laundry and prepared her meals. Now suddenly she is the one who gets the meals and takes care of the laundry. She is the one who worries about the bills being paid.
This young girl has to adjust to a new style of living. Her father may have been a very successful man, whereas her husband is just starting out with a rather meager income. Although he cannot be blamed for that, yet we can see how it could create a problem. Only one thing will help to shrink down those problems in her sight—the fact that she loves her husband enough to be committed to live with him. When they are totally committed to each other, nothing will loom up that is too big to handle. When each one can say, “Lord, I am one hundred percent committed to You,” then they can also say to each other, “I am one hundred percent committed to you.” Any other commitment will only be a distraction. Because the Lord has made them one, their commitment to help each other do the will of God together is directly related and is made out of the same cloth as their dedication to the Lord.
A husband and wife must eliminate the conflict that Satan would bring to divide them. The devil will try to tell the husband, “If you want to walk with God, you will have to leave her.” And he will tell the wife, “You cannot walk with God and still have all these problems in the home; so someone will have to split.” That is a lie. The problems will be shrunk down to their right size so that they can be dealt with when the couple’s united commitment to God, as well as their commitment to each other, is realized. Nothing can break that combination because it is the oneness that God is seeking. All the solutions, all the glory, all the blessings come out of oneness, not out of division. When there is a common drive and a common goal, then they can reach a place where, instead of argument, there is discussion: “How do we meet this problem? What are we going to do next?” He says, “I have a problem; how are we going to meet it?” And she asks, “How are we going to meet my problem?” When they have the commitment, they discuss the problems and tackle them together instead of arguing and bringing accusations.
When a husband and wife are of different backgrounds and temperaments, there is a tendency toward disagreement and arguing. Let me suggest a procedure that will help to produce harmony in such a relationship. They should make an agreement that they will be free to go to each other when they see something that is offensive in the other person. Let them set their hearts not to defend themselves, but to humble themselves and accept the accusation, saying, “Let’s kneel, and you pray for me that the Lord will forgive me and help me with the problem.” The one who brought the accusation knows that he will have to pray for the other one. And the one who is accused knows that he cannot be defensive. They agree to tackle the problems together, refusing to allow any encounter to be an argument or a matter of accusation or self-justification, saying instead, “Pray for me. Help me to see it and help me to change.”
When you are committed to walk together and solve your problems together in the Lord rather than to make an issue of them, then your approach will be one of unity, not of division. This is not an answer to any specific problem you may face, and yet it contains the solution to all problems. No problem can get big enough to be a deadly factor in your life if you have that unity. Defeat can come only when the problem, or the enemy, or the weapon that he throws at you, is of sufficient magnitude to knock you out. But the minute you have made the commitment to direct your life together as one, you have already shrunk the weapons down; and from then on you can work out any problem on your own.
Pray and seek the Lord together. Very honestly say to each other, “I commit myself to the Lord, and I am totally committed to you—to live with you, to be one with you.” There will probably be times when that promise is challenged, but if you really mean it when you say it, you will be surprised to see how much strength you have. This opens the door, so that when the time comes for you to go into your ministry, you will be ready. It is when your commitments are in conflict that it is difficult to make decisions, for then you are always seesawing back and forth.
What counts is the quality of what you do, rather than the quantity. When a husband goes off and prays for several hours, while his wife stays home and takes care of the home and the family, he may not be too effective. But if he were to work with her, perhaps by getting the children dressed, and then they both participated in a short period of intercession, totally committed to it, they would be very effective. When they are totally committed to each other, he refuses to go off and “leave her in the dust,” and she refuses to stay behind. When one is outdistancing the other, then an ever-widening gulf is created between them, and before long that gulf can no longer be spanned. Instead of him going back to the place where she is spiritually, he should enter into a dedication to bring her up to where he is, so that they can walk side by side.
They may miss a church service occasionally. But they will still be effective if, when they do come, they participate aggressively as a unit, sensing a oneness. When there is unity, the quality of faith is far greater than when the unity is lacking. Then the principle of synergistic action between the two becomes operative, and both break through.
A husband and wife should not think of their relationship as an oppressive yoke to which they must submit without knowing what to do. Because they have a deep love for each other, there is not enough reason for one to forsake the other. Yet they may not know what to do about their situation, if they feel that they are incompatibly bound together. They should not have this attitude. They should not expect to always have a common yoke; they should look to have a common life. They are not yoked with each other; they are going to be one! This must be their response to everything: “We’re going to be one!” Eventually they will be so much one that they can almost read one another’s thoughts and then simply stand in agreement concerning a situation.
That is what every married couple should strive for, to walk completely as one. Then when they pray for something, it happens. It is not crossed out by confusion and deep underlying factors that nibble away at their faith. When a couple make this commitment, they will find that their walk together is ten times better. This does not mean that their problems will all be solved, but they know that eventually they will be solved. In time they will be able to overcome them.
The goal that Christ had for His Bride, the Church, is the same goal that a husband should have for his wife (Ephesians 5). Any submission that the Church gives to Jesus Christ and any submission that Christ demands of the Church is not in order to suppress them, but to bring the Church up to the point where they will sit on the throne with Him and rule with Him. They are to be joint-heirs, ruling and reigning with Christ (Romans 8:17). This is what God had in mind.
In any area where the husband is to take the lead, he must not suppress his family or his wife, saying in effect, “I’m going to control you, and you must submit!” Instead, he must continually be reaching for the place where they will stand side by side, so much in unity with each other that one will voice the things that Christ is speaking to the other.
Let us be rid of the idea that spiritually there are two levels of people—male and female. We are all heirs of God, joint-heirs with Christ. If we suffer with Him, we are going to reign with Him (Romans 8:17). The goal is to bring the Church into that authority. However, the Church has to be in humble submission, as dedicated as Christ was dedicated to the Church. He loved the Bride and gave Himself for her, so that He could bring her to Himself without spot or wrinkle (Ephesians 5:26–27). He was unselfishly dedicated and committed to the Church because of what the Church would be. We must have that same unselfish dedication and commitment to Christ—to be what He wants us to be and to let Him be to us what He wants to be.
In a marriage, the husband and wife are to have a double commitment—to God and to each other, in the same way that Christ was committed to the Father and yet was also committed to the Church; He gave Himself for her. He and the Church must end up ruling and reigning together. Everything turns out right because the commitment is right, the dedication is right.
In the meantime, we come to church and discuss the will of the Lord. We ask, “What is the Word of the Lord? How do we perform it? What is the Spirit telling us to do?” We may not always agree with everything, but we are not contentious about it. As we keep our hearts open, we change. Little by little we are molded into one in the church. We know that a church will be effective when the Word has brought a unity among the members. Likewise, a unity will be created between a husband and wife, and they will move together effectively, when they heed this counsel which has been given here. It will cause them to flow together, to make a commitment to work together. It is the Word that makes us one. This Word that has been given here will create oneness in the marriage relationships. For many it will probably create more unity than has existed between them for many months.
The will of God is not a matter of making the right decisions. The will of God is a state of heart. You do not find the will of God by having someone counsel you in great detail: “This is the move you should make now, and next December you will do this.” You do not find the will of God by always making the right decisions concerning your actions, but by having a right spirit. Then the right decisions seem to follow. It is hard to make a major mistake when your heart is really dedicated and committed to do the will of God.
A marriage will not fail if there is this twofold commitment—to the Lord and to each other. Although it does not actually solve any specific problem, it is the ultimate answer to every problem. When a husband and wife are walking together, then anything else can be solved without argument and without either one having to defend himself. Once they trust their commitment to each other as being total and absolute, they will no longer listen with mistrust to what the other says, for they will not feel that there is a hostility or that the other is trying to inflict harm.
In the realm of spirit, you can be wounded when you think you are vulnerable. Your defenses are taken down when you accept the attitude that your spouse is antagonistic and can hurt you. When you feel that he is attacking you, that he does not have your welfare at heart, then that is actually happening.
This counsel contains God’s wisdom. It will solve the problems in many marriages where there is not any real hostility toward serving God, but only a conflict of interest and direction which appears to have been built up.